Monday, October 24, 2016

Postpartum depression, sich

     We had been living in Northwest Arkansas for exactly one year. We were about to welcome our fourth child to our family with a four year old, two year old, and one year old. We had had such easy pregnancies, deliveries, and recoveries that I just assumed this would be the case.  Once Silas was born we hit the ground running. He was a challenging baby who would scream every night from 10pm-1am. I would go in our backyard to let him cry so he wouldn't wake the other sleeping people. At around 2.5 months the colic finally went away just in time for his reflux and asthma like symptoms to flare up. I decided to potty train Anna Kate because three kids in diapers was expensive! Also, this was right around when we decided to do some testing on Hudson to see why his growth had drastically slowed. I was basically going through the motions and just surviving. 
     If you asked me on any given day though, I would say, " I'm good" or " we're busy, but getting it down". On the inside though I was seriously struggling with frustration and exhaustion but too embarrassed to let anyone know. I was a new pastor's wife and there wasn't any way I was going to let anyone know that I didn't love my situation. I was buying into the lies of guilt and shame for the way I felt. I  had a loving husband, healthy kids, a home, food, clothes, cars, and I was a believer in Jesus. Shouldn't that have been enough? I was getting more mad at myself and trying to pull myself together on my own.  I never had feeling of harm, just feelings of gloom. My pride ruled what could have been a sweet time. I was also snapping my fingers and expecting God to make my baby sleep through the night and make me feel "normal". I felt disappointed that those things didn't happen when I felt that they should happen. Again, hindsight is 20/20.  I know he allowed me some adversity for my sanctification and for His good plans.
     There's only so many target runs and sonic happy hour drinks a mama can do to make the days better. Around 6 months after Silas was born, I was so drained that I began pouring my heart out to the Lord. He listened and heard me. He brought Psalm 23 my way... The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. HE makes me lie down in green pastures. HE leads me beside still waters. HE restores my soul". I was trying to keep up an impossible appearance and trying to do it on my own. In truth, Jesus is the only strength that can carry me. There's such a stigma about postpartum depression that makes women stay in it longer, at least I think so. I really believe that if we can let go of the shame and bring it to the light that the Lord gets the glory and we get to bask in the blessing of fully depending on him. While you may or may not have had a season of depression, my guess is that at some point you have felt weary.  Even Jesus felt weary at times, but he knew where to place his weariness. Hebrews 4:15, For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin". He was fully God and fully man. 
     So, when you are at your wits end, bring it to the Lord. Matthew 11:28, " Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest". Some days I still struggle with being overwhelmed and it's ok. I'm not perfect.But, I'm doing what I can to remember I have a God who sees me and hears me and knows me and is waiting to meet me just where I am.  And for that, I am thankful.

2 comments:

  1. Thanks so much for sharing this, for sharing your heart and your struggles. I struggle with the guilt when things are just hard because, well, this is what I always wanted, so shouldn't I be happy?

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  2. It is no secret that I have a very deep and personal relationship with God. I have pushed and resisted that relationship this past year through all the bullshit I have had to go through living with Herpes but once again, God is bigger than my stubbornness and broke through that outbreak cold sore and all I had Genital Herpes. For me personally, hearing over and over how I am not good enough has really invaded my mind in the worst way possible. I completely shut down and I was just waking up like is this how life going to end this temporary herpes outbreak “fuck everybody with herpes if you know what I mean” but let's be honest here...It is a cowardly to say no to herbal medicine. It is fear based. And it is dishonest to what my heart wants. Don't build a wall around yourself because you are afraid of herbals made or taking a bold step especially when it's come to health issues and getting cure. So many young men/ women tell me over and over that Dr Itua is going to scam me but I give him a try to today I feel like no one will ever convince me about herbal medicine I accept Dr Itua herbal medicine because it's cure my herpes just two weeks of drinking it and i have been living for a year and months now I experience outbreak no more, You can contact him if you need his herbal medicine for any such diseases like,HIV,Epilepsy Infertility, Herpes, Hepatitis, Schizophrenia,Cancer,Fibromyalgia,Fluoroquinolone Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva.Dupuytren's disease,Desmoplastic,Diabetes ,Coeliac disease,Cerebral Amyloid Angiopathy, Ataxia,Arthritis,Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis,Alzheimer's disease,Adrenocortical carcinoma.Asthma,Allergic, Love Spell,. Email..drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com then what's app.+2348149277967.... My advice to any sick men/women out there is simple... Be Always an open book. Be gut wrenching honest about yourself, your situation, and what you are all about. Don't hold anything back. Holding back will get you nowhere...maybe a one way ticket to lonelyville and that is NOT somewhere you want to be. So my final truth...and I'm just starting to grasp this one..

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